Florida Man Seeks Pardon Based on Ted Cruz Defense


A Florida man has attracted an empathetic ally in his fight for his freedom. Ted Cruz reportedly asked President Obama to pardon a Florida man, Gary Jones, who was convicted for murder in 2002. Jones has just lost his last appeal this week and Senator Cruz is very eager to “end this flagrant miscarriage of justice”  said his top aide.

Jones was convicted when he walked into his neighbor’s home and put a gun to his neighbor’s head and demanded that his neighbor sign over the deed to his house. The neighbor refused calling Jones a “terrorizing scumbag” and so Jones “was forced to shoot him.” When the case went to trial, Jones attempted to use the “he made me shoot him” defense. He was unsuccessful. As one legal commentator pointed out “that’s not really a thing.”

In 2012 Jones officially lost all of his appeals and will likely have to serve out his life sentence unless he is officially pardoned by the President of the United States. So, Jones began writing senators and congressmen to ask them to take up his cause. Jones says he got a letter back from Senator Harry Reid stating “There is no way in hell even the dumbest senator would take up your cause. You straight up killed a person.”

Fortunately for Jones, he found an empathetic ally in Ted Cruz who recently used a similar excuse to justify his attempted econom-icide. According to Cruz it isn’t his fault we’re on the edge of a fiscal disaster,”the economy was asking for it when it dressed like that.” Of course Jones immediately saw the similarities to his case. “When I saw him being forced to crash the economy because Obama wouldn’t do what he wanted, I knew I found my man” said Jones. “Ted knows what’s like to hold a gun to someone’s head and hope they don’t make you shoot.”

Senator Cruz spent an hour explaining to the President yesterday that Jones was an innocent by-standard to “a jerk-face neighbor who wouldn’t do what he wanted. This guy would still be alive today if he had just done what Gary asked” Cruz explained to the President “instead, he made Gary shoot him. If anyone should go to jail, it’s Gary’s neighbor. He made a murder happen.”

“Well, whenever Ted comes to talk to the President we remove any sharp objects. Actually, we remove anything that can be used as a projectile or blunt weapon. So, I don’t think he was in any immediate physical danger” said the President’s top aide when asked how the President responded to Senator Cruz’s request for a pardon.


(image: NEW ORLEANS, LA – JUNE 16: Texas Senatorial Candidate Ted Cruz addresses the Republican Leadership … via Shutterstock)

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