Sometimes You Just Need to Object

New to Bitter Lawyer? Start here, or dig into the archives!

Think you’re funny? Send us your stuff, and maybe we’ll use it!

Police Chase Man Into Ocean. He’s Now Facing Charges and Pruney Hands.

• Tweet
• Email

According to KSWB San Diego, John Michael White ran from police Sunday and took refuge in the ocean. Apparently, the police all had a healthy, Buster Bluth level of fear of the ocean. They let this guy hang out in the water for about seven hours. After wading in and out of the water for most of the night, the police sent in their version of seal team six to pull him out.

According to the article “a special dive team from the Harbor Police used special equipment and skills and finally accomplished what the officers on land could not.” Apparently, what they could accomplish was sneaking up on this guy and beating the shit out of him underwater. We are not sure what “special equipment” actually means, but they probably had some military grade water wings that are not issued to your run-of-the-mill police officers.

Police Chief Bolduc told reporters that the “police divers are excellent swimmers. They all have training to dive in very difficult environments.” Really? you don’t let your shitty swimmers join the dive team? Also, how many “difficult environments” are they actually trained in? We assume most of the training is aquatic. Although, desert scuba diving might be a new trend for aquaphobic thrill seekers.

(photo: Portrait of man in diving helmet from Shutterstock)

★

Read more from the Bitter Newsroom.

Read more:

• Lose Your Dime Bag? Check the Lost and Found.
• Murderer Betrayed by His Own Ass
• ‘Cache’ of Sex Toys Stolen

Man Attempts Solo Bayonet Charge Against Police

• Tweet
• Email

KDKA Pittsburgh reports that Edward Gorinski attacked two Pennsylvania State Police Officers with a World War II bayonet. This story has raised a number of important questions. First, is it possible this guy is actually from the 1940s having been transported by some mystical force we know nothing about a la Kate Leopold. Maybe he didn’t time travel. Maybe he was in the Battle of Carentan and has just been on the longest running bayonet charge in history. Either way, he was probably pretty surprised when the officers used their “lightning machine” to take him down.

Finally, of all the WWII weaponry he had to choose from, I feel like he could have done a little better than a bayonet.

(photo: St. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA – JAN 20: Participants of historical reenactment of breaking the siege of Leningrad (18.01.1943) on January 20, 2013 in St. Petersburg, Russia from Shutterstock)

★

Read more from the Bitter Newsroom.

Read more:

• Berlusconi Prosecutor Survives Being Attacked With World’s Slowest Bullets
• How to Land 10 Year Old Sally in Jail for Chalking
• Bring Your Dog to Work Day Isn’t For Burglars

110-Year-Old Tombstone Stolen: Other Cemetery Residents All Suspects

• Tweet
• Email

Breckenridge Colorado, (elevation 9,600 feet) has been rocked to the bones. According to CBS Denver, a 110 year old grave marker was stolen from a local cemetery. The article repeatedly calls the marker a tombstone… despite the fact that they make a huge deal about it being made of wood. A genealogist discovered the theft of the tombwood while taking a break from working on… nothing. Lucky for us, the genealogist took a bit of time out of her busy schedule of doing… nothing, to tell us a little bit about the “owner” of the tombwood.

Bertha Welch, in all seriousness, seemed like a bit of a tough cookie. She was a 20-year-old single mom in a time when that was a jail-able offense. According to the article, her deadbeat husband abandoned her and her children. She came to Breckenridge to make a new start and was well on her way. Unfortunately she died during childbirth. So once we find this grave marker, we should all pitch in and try to get back child support for this poor woman. We can have the genealogist put down the… nothing she’s working on, and help us track down her progeny so we can pay over the centuries worth of back due child support.

Of course, the genealogist says she hopes the marker is “not really stolen, [she hopes] it’s just missing.” I’m not exactly sure how a grave marker goes “missing” but it scares the shit out of me. I’m sure it was stolen, and I’m sure it will be returned when Bertha Welch’s ghost haunts the shit out of the d-bag who is using it as their coffee table.

(photo: Crow sitting on a gravestone in moonlight from Shutterstock)

★

Read more:

• Transvestite of State: Dennis Rodman Becomes Secretary of Keeping it Real [Really]
• Drive-By Masturbator Caught, Tazed, Possibly Into It
• Gun Threats: The Untold Story of Legos and Pop-tarts

ICC to Prosecute 50,000,000 Call of Duty Players for War Crimes

• Tweet
• Email

In a stunning move the International Criminal Court in The Hague has unsealed an indictment accusing over 50,000,000 Call of Duty players of war crimes. Some of the allegations are as minor as camping a spawn site. Others, however, are much more horrifying.

IpwnnoobsX1X is accused of an elaborate scheme whereby he had a co-conspirator join the opposing side during a team-death-match. IpwnnoobsX1X set up two TV’s next to each other so he could gain an unfair advantage by observing his co-conspirator’s screen and see the operations of the other team. This led the player to achieve an absurdly high 40-1 kill death ratio. According to the ICC, the incident with IpwnnoobsX1X got the ball rolling on this entire investigation. An ICC spokes person stated, “Any time we see a conflict with anything more than a 10-1 KDR we know we have to look into it, whether it’s someone using white phosphorus, screen looking, chemical weapons, or a clip hack, something’s going wrong.”

A real break in this case appears to have come when an anonymous informant gave investigators critical information on the in game crimes. An informant identified only as”Player 1″ was being investigated for murdering the dancing chickens in the SEATOWN map. To avoid prosecution, Player 1 helped investigators break into the inner circle of Call of Duty war criminals.

Prosecutors say that the indictment was necessary because the normal self governance of the game universe was not working appropriately. “In the past, other players would simply berate the war criminal with homophobic epithets. Now that doesn’t seem to be helping at all.”

The ICC is apparently taking a strong stand on this issue. Out of the 50,000,000 charged, about half are facing the prospect of the ultimate penalty, a permaban.

(image: portrait of soldiers group with jungle camouflage over white via Shutterstock)

★

Read more:

• Plaintiff: Weird Old Tip to Lose Belly Fat Made Me Fatter
• LegalZoom to Unveil Lawyer Vending Machines at Courthouses Across America
• Drink, Dine, and Diss TV Lawyers at Bar amp; Orders